What is compassion?

“Compassion is the keen awareness of the
interdependence of all things.”
Thomas Merton

 

Many people think compassion is a soft skill or a spiritual ideal, rather than an essential quality of leadership.There are some who think it belongs in the religious realm rather than the organisation.

It can get confused with sympathy or empathy but compassion is a much more valuable skill. Sympathy is the act of acknowledging someone’s suffering or misfortune – “I’m sorry you are experiencing that.” Empathy takes this acknowledgement further by comparing the suffering to similar experiences of their own – “I’m sorry and I understand how you may be feeling because a similar thing happened to me.” Compassion takes empathy further by adding in a compelling desire to relieve the suffering somehow. “I’m sorry you are suffering and understand how you may be feeling. How can I help?” It adds action to the emotional sensitivity and understanding.

Sympathy is a sign of emotional intelligence but it can leave the sufferer feeling like a victim. In the workplace this is a risk because we really want people to take ownership of their situation and be responsible for their actions and next steps.

Empathy is also a risk in the workplace as it can sometimes backfire. Sharing your experience of the loss of your hamster and how you never got over it, is unlikely to help someone who has lost their beloved pet. They need to express their feelings and move through their grief effectively. Your comparison may actually be received as a lack of understanding rather than genuine empathy.

Empathy can also trigger a negative spiral of re-living bad experiences. This happens when everyone who has ever lost a pet jumps in with what it was like for them. The intention of this sharing is to demonstrate understanding, but the effect can be to worsen the emotional state of everyone.

Compassion always focuses on relieving the suffering through some kind of action. So it leaves the person in a state of hope or transition, rather than in a worse emotional state. As a leader it can be the cue for some coaching or other kind of support. It’s usually expressed with a question which creates an opportunity for deep listening.

So can compassion be an effective leadership style?

Clearly leaders can lead more effectively if they genuinely understand how others are feeling. This is a sophisticated skill as it requires us to step into the other person’s shoes and experience the world through their perceptual filters and priorities. Only then can we get an authentic glimpse of their inner condition. Then we can respond with sincerity and listen to what they really want or need, rather than what we think they are saying.

Compassion enables a leader to connect more meaningfully with all their people. Without it, only a superficial level of leadership can take place.

Compassion can also be self-directed as well as for others. People with high levels of self compassion have been found to be less afraid of failure, and more likely to try again if they do fail. They are also more motivated to learn and change for the better, as well as being more forgiving of their own faults and those of others.

What could be more powerful than a leader demonstrating self compassion? It signals the values of humanity, learning, respect and care. It promotes a culture of learning, where people are expected to take responsibility for progressing the organisation’s goals by taking risks and learning from their mistakes.

“A moment of self compassion can change your entire day.
A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
Christopher K Germer

 

Compassion is increasingly becoming part of many leadership and management programmes. Leadership development has long been focused on the more technical skills of finance, planning, delegation and communication. Now we understand the benefits of the more emotionally intelligent leader who can develop the quality of relationship, confidence and trust that can move an organisation in the best direction with the least human cost.

Compassion is not the only essential quality for effective leadership, but it is up there at the top of the list. So what are you doing in your leadership to demonstrate self compassion? And what are you doing in your organisation to develop higher levels of compassion in your leaders?